Why I Love Steven Seagal
I thought of kick-starting this place with a bang. I figured that by having a good laugh would really set the tone of this place ; humor in my sick kinda way ;) . This will be a departure from personal dramas and stuffs, this place is all about laughter.
Do you all know who Steven Seagal is ? If you all used to rent videos/laser discs of his movies with your Dad back then , you will know that he is this really kick-ass action hero who just doesn't die or get injured in ALL his movies. Except one movie I think. My mother was more of a Van Damme fan, but my Dad just lovessss Seagal movies. So I was exposed a lot to the Seagal-mania when I was at a very young age.
The thing about Seagal movies, is that you'll either love it to death or get annoyed at how 'immortal' he is in the movies. This guy just doesn't get shot no matter how heavy the artillery of the baddie is. And he needs just 1 bullet to kill you and the bullets WILL get to you, no matter where you're hiding.
Another thing I've noticed is that, all the 'final bosses' in his films were always menacing throughout the movie yet in the final scene, becomes a small puppy when faced with Seagal. They all became his bitches ! Even if they all ganged together to fight him , they'll still lose. Seagal just wins ALL THE TIME.
But that's not the best part, I've noticed that 90% of all his film posters has got him posing with a GUN or some sort of weapon. And the icing on the cake is the tagline and 'various professions' he had in his movies. It just has to be an EX of something. Funny shit hehe
Curious? Take a look :
Name :
Nico
Job:
Cop in the Vice Unit
Tagline:
None
He takes on:
Corrupt CIA drug dealers
Name:
Mason Storm
Job:
A 'go-it-alone' cop . Well that's what it says in the synopsis.
Tagline:
He's LA Detective Mason Storm. Three hired assassins left him for dead. And he's waited seven years to even the score.
He takes on:
No brainer right ? Three hired assasins , Duh!
Name:
John Hatcher
Job:
EX Chicago DEA Agent
Tagline: None
He takes on:
A Jamaican drug kingpin named 'Screwface' . (Yeah I know ! F-ed up name for a kingpin right?)
Name:
Gino Felino
Job:
A cop from Brooklyn
Tagline:
He's a cop. It's a dirty job.. but somebody's got to take out the garbage.
He takes on:
The Mob.
Name:
Casey Ryback
Job:
Cook. EX Navy Seal Captain.
Tagline:
None.
He takes on:
A group of mercenaries who hijacked the USS Missouri. A cult favorite !
Name:
Forrest Taft
Job:
Environmental Agent !
Tagline:
His battle to save the Alaskan wilderness and protect its people, can only be won .... ON DEADLY GROUND
He takes on:
An oil company conglomerate.
Name:
Casey Ryback
Job:
Cook. EX Navy Seal. This time on a train.
Tagline:
A top secret nuclear satellite. A team of international terrorists. A government held hostage. An undetectable moving headquarters. Only one hero stands in the way ....
He takes on:
As the above says, a team of international terrorists !
Name:
Unknown (too lazy to find out)
Job:
The tactical team leader who assists Kurt Russel's character. This is the ONLY movie where he DIES ! and VERY EARLY in the movie. A lot of hearts were broken and it shook the world.
Tagline:
Too small to read.
He takes on:
Armed plane hijackers.
Name:
Jack Cole
Job:
New York Cop
Tagline:
Two good cops. One bad situation.
He takes on:
A local crime boss.
Name:
Jack Taggart
Job:
FBI Agent
Tagline:
Beneath a load of wealth and beauty hides a secret that could kill millions. Undercover has never run so deep.
He takes on:
Toxic waste polluters.
Name:
Dr. Wesley Mclaren ( a Dr ! )
Job:
Immunologist (wow!)
Tagline:
None.
He takes on:
Violent extremist group.
Name:
Orrin Boyd
Job:
Detroit cop. (He's got a badge in every state I think)
Tagline:
(I got a foreign language version, can't translate it)
He takes on:
Corrupt cops (again).
Name:
Frank Glass
Job:
Explosive expert.
Tagline:
When then countdown hits zero, you're dead. (hmm very direct...)
Name:
Sasha (very girlie name)
Job:
Undercover cop.
Tagline:
The good. The bad. And the deadly. (I think we all know who is the 'deadly one' right? hehe)
He takes on:
Corrupt mercenaries.
Name:
Jonathan Cold
Job:
Freelance agent. (I'm not lying)
Tagline:
If they think they can stop him, they're dead wrong. (LOL So true!)
He takes on:
Corrupt politicians.
Name:
Robert Burns
Job:
(cue drum roll ...) ARCHAEOLOGIST !
Tagline:
Out for revenge. Out for payback.
He takes on:
The Chinese mafia - the Tongs.
Name:
Jake Hopper
Job:
EX- CIA Agent
Tagline:
A father's rage knows no limit.
He takes on:
Islamic fundamentalist group called Abu Karaf.
Name:
Billy Ray Lancing
Job:
EX-CSA Agent.
Tagline:
It's a split second between hit or miss. (WTF ???)
He takes on:
A human trafficker named Faisal.
Name:
Unknown.
Job:
CIA Agent.
Tagline:
Only one man can stop the yakuza. (Gee.. I wonder who ? ..hmm)
He takes on:
The yakuza. Duh.
Name:
Chris Kody
Job:
An imprisoned member of the US military.
Tagline:
He found the enemy. On the wrong side.
He takes on:
A crazy scientist with mind control device. (And it can't control
Seagal?)
Name:
Harlan Banks
Job:
Thief.
Tagline:
What Seagal does in Vegas, nearly destroys it. (What else can I say? He's a God)
He takes on:
Those that put him in prison.
Name:
Jonathan Cold
Job:
CIA Agent
Tagline:
It's always darkest before dawn.
He takes on:
Eastern European terrorist group.
Name:
Unknown.
Job:
CIA covert operative. (He really loves the CIA doesn't he?)
Tagline:
It's time to fight again. (err.. ok.. go ahead man)
He takes on:
Mercenaries !
Name:
Jack Foster
Job:
EX Operative agent with McGuyver-like skills (one word: DEADLY)
Tagline:
None.
He takes on:
Russian Officials.
Name:
Marshall Lawson
Job:
Leader of military strike team.
Tagline:
Humanity's greatest hope. Faces his greatest battle.
He takes on:
Super soldiers !
Name:
John Sands
Job:
USAF Secret Operative
Tagline:
A flight plan to freedom. (Whatever that means :P)
He takes on:
A terrorist group armed with a stealth bomber! (still he doesn't even break a sweat in this one)
Name:
Simon Ballester
Job:
EX Special Ops Agent
Tagline:
When revenge is personal. Justice can be brutal. (When it comes to him that is)
He takes on:
Bunch of black local gang members.
Name:
Matt.
Job:
Elite EX Cop.
Tagline:
They came to collect a debt. He paid them in full. (This cracks me up like hell, whatever you do, don't lend Seagal money, he won't pay you back in cash)
He takes on:
Those he owes money to.
Name:
Jacob Stillwell
Job:
Celebrated Homicide Detective.
Tagline:
His rule. His way. No exceptions. (Can't argue with tht can we?)
He takes on:
A killer named Lazerus.
Name:
Master Tao (yep Asian name this time)
Job:
Katana Master
Tagline:
He lives by the sword, they will die by it. (Doesn't that just sends shivers down you spine?)
He takes on:
VAMPIRES! Set in a post-apocalyptic era. Not even bloody vampires can kill him. What's worse, he hunts THEM in the movie. Not the other way around.
Name:
Ruslan
Job:
(another drum roll please ... ) CRIME NOVELIST !
Tagline:
They took his daughter. So he's taking them down. (Why does his daughters always gets into trouble?)
He takes on:
The Russian Mob.
So there you go folks. A pretty extensive list I might add. Was I right about the guns in the posters? ;)
Hats off to the copywriters who wrote his taglines which was funny to read. Hehe.
Hope you all had a good laugh !
I thought of kick-starting this place with a bang. I figured that by having a good laugh would really set the tone of this place ; humor in my sick kinda way ;) . This will be a departure from personal dramas and stuffs, this place is all about laughter.
Do you all know who Steven Seagal is ? If you all used to rent videos/laser discs of his movies with your Dad back then , you will know that he is this really kick-ass action hero who just doesn't die or get injured in ALL his movies. Except one movie I think. My mother was more of a Van Damme fan, but my Dad just lovessss Seagal movies. So I was exposed a lot to the Seagal-mania when I was at a very young age.
The thing about Seagal movies, is that you'll either love it to death or get annoyed at how 'immortal' he is in the movies. This guy just doesn't get shot no matter how heavy the artillery of the baddie is. And he needs just 1 bullet to kill you and the bullets WILL get to you, no matter where you're hiding.
Another thing I've noticed is that, all the 'final bosses' in his films were always menacing throughout the movie yet in the final scene, becomes a small puppy when faced with Seagal. They all became his bitches ! Even if they all ganged together to fight him , they'll still lose. Seagal just wins ALL THE TIME.
But that's not the best part, I've noticed that 90% of all his film posters has got him posing with a GUN or some sort of weapon. And the icing on the cake is the tagline and 'various professions' he had in his movies. It just has to be an EX of something. Funny shit hehe
Curious? Take a look :
Name :
Nico
Job:
Cop in the Vice Unit
Tagline:
None
He takes on:
Corrupt CIA drug dealers
Name:Mason Storm
Job:
A 'go-it-alone' cop . Well that's what it says in the synopsis.
Tagline:
He's LA Detective Mason Storm. Three hired assassins left him for dead. And he's waited seven years to even the score.
He takes on:
No brainer right ? Three hired assasins , Duh!
Name:John Hatcher
Job:
EX Chicago DEA Agent
Tagline: None
He takes on:
A Jamaican drug kingpin named 'Screwface' . (Yeah I know ! F-ed up name for a kingpin right?)
Name:
Gino Felino
Job:
A cop from Brooklyn
Tagline:
He's a cop. It's a dirty job.. but somebody's got to take out the garbage.
He takes on:
The Mob.
Name:
Casey Ryback
Job:
Cook. EX Navy Seal Captain.
Tagline:
None.
He takes on:
A group of mercenaries who hijacked the USS Missouri. A cult favorite !
Name:Forrest Taft
Job:
Environmental Agent !
Tagline:
His battle to save the Alaskan wilderness and protect its people, can only be won .... ON DEADLY GROUND
He takes on:
An oil company conglomerate.
Name:Casey Ryback
Job:
Cook. EX Navy Seal. This time on a train.
Tagline:
A top secret nuclear satellite. A team of international terrorists. A government held hostage. An undetectable moving headquarters. Only one hero stands in the way ....
He takes on:
As the above says, a team of international terrorists !
Name:Unknown (too lazy to find out)
Job:
The tactical team leader who assists Kurt Russel's character. This is the ONLY movie where he DIES ! and VERY EARLY in the movie. A lot of hearts were broken and it shook the world.
Tagline:
Too small to read.
He takes on:
Armed plane hijackers.
Name:
Jack Cole
Job:
New York Cop
Tagline:
Two good cops. One bad situation.
He takes on:
A local crime boss.
Name:Jack Taggart
Job:
FBI Agent
Tagline:
Beneath a load of wealth and beauty hides a secret that could kill millions. Undercover has never run so deep.
He takes on:
Toxic waste polluters.
Name:
Dr. Wesley Mclaren ( a Dr ! )
Job:
Immunologist (wow!)
Tagline:
None.
He takes on:
Violent extremist group.
Name:
Orrin Boyd
Job:
Detroit cop. (He's got a badge in every state I think)
Tagline:
(I got a foreign language version, can't translate it)
He takes on:
Corrupt cops (again).
Name:
Frank Glass
Job:
Explosive expert.
Tagline:
When then countdown hits zero, you're dead. (hmm very direct...)
Name:
Sasha (very girlie name)
Job:
Undercover cop.
Tagline:
The good. The bad. And the deadly. (I think we all know who is the 'deadly one' right? hehe)
He takes on:
Corrupt mercenaries.
Name:
Jonathan Cold
Job:
Freelance agent. (I'm not lying)
Tagline:
If they think they can stop him, they're dead wrong. (LOL So true!)
He takes on:
Corrupt politicians.
Name:
Robert Burns
Job:
(cue drum roll ...) ARCHAEOLOGIST !
Tagline:
Out for revenge. Out for payback.
He takes on:
The Chinese mafia - the Tongs.
Name:
Jake Hopper
Job:
EX- CIA Agent
Tagline:
A father's rage knows no limit.
He takes on:
Islamic fundamentalist group called Abu Karaf.
Name:
Billy Ray Lancing
Job:
EX-CSA Agent.
Tagline:
It's a split second between hit or miss. (WTF ???)
He takes on:
A human trafficker named Faisal.
Name:
Unknown.
Job:
CIA Agent.
Tagline:
Only one man can stop the yakuza. (Gee.. I wonder who ? ..hmm)
He takes on:
The yakuza. Duh.
Name:Chris Kody
Job:
An imprisoned member of the US military.
Tagline:
He found the enemy. On the wrong side.
He takes on:
A crazy scientist with mind control device. (And it can't control
Seagal?)
Name:
Harlan Banks
Job:
Thief.
Tagline:
What Seagal does in Vegas, nearly destroys it. (What else can I say? He's a God)
He takes on:
Those that put him in prison.
Name:
Jonathan Cold
Job:
CIA Agent
Tagline:
It's always darkest before dawn.
He takes on:
Eastern European terrorist group.
Name:
Unknown.
Job:
CIA covert operative. (He really loves the CIA doesn't he?)
Tagline:
It's time to fight again. (err.. ok.. go ahead man)
He takes on:
Mercenaries !
Name:
Jack Foster
Job:
EX Operative agent with McGuyver-like skills (one word: DEADLY)
Tagline:
None.
He takes on:
Russian Officials.
Name:
Marshall Lawson
Job:
Leader of military strike team.
Tagline:
Humanity's greatest hope. Faces his greatest battle.
He takes on:
Super soldiers !
Name:John Sands
Job:
USAF Secret Operative
Tagline:
A flight plan to freedom. (Whatever that means :P)
He takes on:
A terrorist group armed with a stealth bomber! (still he doesn't even break a sweat in this one)
Name:Simon Ballester
Job:
EX Special Ops Agent
Tagline:
When revenge is personal. Justice can be brutal. (When it comes to him that is)
He takes on:
Bunch of black local gang members.
Name:Matt.
Job:
Elite EX Cop.
Tagline:
They came to collect a debt. He paid them in full. (This cracks me up like hell, whatever you do, don't lend Seagal money, he won't pay you back in cash)
He takes on:
Those he owes money to.
Name:
Jacob Stillwell
Job:
Celebrated Homicide Detective.
Tagline:
His rule. His way. No exceptions. (Can't argue with tht can we?)
He takes on:
A killer named Lazerus.
Name:Master Tao (yep Asian name this time)
Job:
Katana Master
Tagline:
He lives by the sword, they will die by it. (Doesn't that just sends shivers down you spine?)
He takes on:
VAMPIRES! Set in a post-apocalyptic era. Not even bloody vampires can kill him. What's worse, he hunts THEM in the movie. Not the other way around.
Name: Ruslan
Job:
(another drum roll please ... ) CRIME NOVELIST !
Tagline:
They took his daughter. So he's taking them down. (Why does his daughters always gets into trouble?)
He takes on:
The Russian Mob.
So there you go folks. A pretty extensive list I might add. Was I right about the guns in the posters? ;)
Hats off to the copywriters who wrote his taglines which was funny to read. Hehe.
Hope you all had a good laugh !
